The Columns
Here are some columns published over the past few years. You can click on the Topic Description beneath any title to see more on that subject.
Volcanos and Swine Flu - The Fun Of Flying
Everybody knows that the airlines have not been doing that well lately. Between the rising cost of fuel and the ongoing hassles of cleaning up after young Nigerian millionaires with exploding underpants, the industry has been faced with a series of unprecedented challenges.
To add insult to injury, a certain volcano in Iceland (Eyjafjallajokull, whose name is really hard to say for most news reporters; it's pronounced "Xgicxgsrnlglu") recently shut down airports all over Europe and paralyzed air travel world-wide. Of course, most airlines are not compensating the stranded passengers in any way, since a volcano is an "Act of God."
Please, No More Tiger Tales!
Last weekend I spent more time watching the Masters golf tournament on television than I like to admit. I guess I find it strangely comforting to see tanned, handsome, self-assured millionaire touring golf professionals occasionally shank a five iron into a sand trap.
To me the highlight of the weekend was Fred Couples making a serious run for the Green Jacket. I loved this because:
a). He is fifty years old and has more gray hair than I do;
b). His name is "Fred;"
c). In an elite sport where everything a player uses, wears, eats, drinks, or thinks about is computer engineered for maximum performance and endorsement value, this guy was playing the most prestigious tournament in professional golf wearing slip-on boat shoes with no socks.
c). In an elite sport where everything a player uses, wears, eats, drinks, or thinks about is computer engineered for maximum performance and endorsement value, this guy was playing the most prestigious tournament in professional golf wearing slip-on boat shoes with no socks.
Also, I found it mildly interesting to see Tiger Woods making his comeback after five months away from competitive golf.
Ask Dr. Mike - Tofurky and paisley lederhosen
We haven't heard from our old friend Dr. Mike in quite a while. For new readers, Dr. Mike is an advice columnist whose main qualification for dispensing life-changing gems of wisdom is his Ph.D. in Melted Crayon Sculpture from the University of Tim Online ($29.95, two for $41.50).
Here is what we found in this week's mail bag:
Dear Dr. Mike,
My wife's cooking is a lot more enthusiastic than it is edible. In fact, after word of her "Liver-Tofurky Casserole Surprise" reached the Pentagon, she was hired as a consultant for the Army's Chemical Warfare Division.
Winter Olympics, NASCAR, and Red Wings: the Perfect Valentine's Day
This weekend my wife and I are enjoying a Perfect Storm of Really Cool Stuff.
On Friday the 2010 Winter Olympics* kicked off in Vancouver, British Columbia. There was a terrific Opening Ceremony highlighted by some teams marching in with hundreds of happy skiers and skaters waving at the crowd, while other teams were made up of a single athlete carrying a flag and followed by fifteen old bald government guys.
Snow Days
As some of you know, I have a pretty cool day job at a small library. One of the best things about this job is that when the local schools shut down for bad weather, the library shuts down too.
I get Snow Days!
This means that any time there's a chance of snow on a "school night," I turn into an eight-year-old. I monitor every available weather forecast. I scan the western skies. I subscribe to a 24-hour online school closing advisory service. And then, of course, I do my "Snow Dance."
For those of you who live in Southern California, on Mars, or anywhere else Snow Days never happen, the Snow Dance is a highly personal ritual that can take many forms. My own version of the Snow Dance is performed as follows:
