Darwin Rules

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One day many years ago, when I was in college, I sat with a friend who happened to be a graduate student in anthropology, sipping a beer and gazing out the window at the ebb and flow of university life on the busy street below.

As we watched, a guy came hurtling out of the alley just up the street, squatting on a sort of land-surfboard made by replacing the legs on a rectangular coffee table with roller skates. This young inventor/athlete flew off the sidewalk and into four lanes of traffic, narrowly missing or being missed by every vehicle on the road in an almost unbelievable demonstration of pure good fortune.

Unfortunately, when he reached the curb on the far side of the street his luck pretty much ran out. Since there was no way to steer it or slow it down, his contraption hit the curb square-on at full velocity, levering the table top over the front wheels and turning it into a sort of trebuchet, and the rider into projectile. He flew in a short, frantically-gesticulating arc across the sidewalk, through a plate glass shop window and into a display of leather handbags.

Since the scene was almost instantly under the control of paramedics whose ambulance was one of the vehicles the guy had narrowly missed, and a shop owner who was diligently caring for his handbags, my friend and I sat back and ordered another beer.

"What would make anybody try something like that?" I wondered.

"Well," he replied, "you've heard of Darwin's theory of evolution? What we have just witnessed is a member of our species trying really hard to chlorinate the gene pool."

Just this past weekend I was driving on the expressway and overtook a car that was speeding up, slowing down, and wandering from shoulder to berm in what appeared to be some sort of evasive action. Since it was early in the day, I assumed that this was an individual who might have enjoyed a margarita or two with that morning bowl of corn flakes.

I decided it would be best if the pending accident happened behind me, so as soon as I had a third lane to work with, I pulled up to pass. What I discovered as I went by was a young woman driving with a small computer propped on the steering wheel, probably updating her Twitter status. I would say there is a real good chance that her last communication with our world will be 140 characters of immortal highway poetry:

OMG, I wnt a chsbugr so bad & its 8 miles to the next Brgr Kng. I thnk Emily has my lip gloss LOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggh.

So what exactly is it that would make you check for gas leaks with a match? Or engage in a little target practice with your rifle by firing at a propane tank? What exactly is the thought process that would lead to a person to raise rattlesnakes for fun and profit? Did you really think it was a good idea to go rollerblading at the end of a ski rope tied to the bumper of your buddy's Ford?

The answer to all these questions is simple; evolution. As my friend pointed out all those years ago, nature has a way of improving the species by weeding out the riff-raff.

In fact, this phenomenon is so well documented that Darwin Awards are given each year, "Honoring those who improve the human species... by accidentally removing themselves from it!" A recent Awardee is a Korean man who was so angered by missing an elevator that he rammed the doors with his wheelchair until they gave way, and he plunged to his death. If you have never seen the Darwin Awards, they make interesting, albeit pretty macabre, reading.

So the next time you see a man pumping gas with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, take a moment to salute his dedication to the future of mankind - and move out of the blast radius.
 

Copyright © 2010, Michael Ball

Mike Ball is the Erma Bombeck Award-winning author of "What I've Learned So Far..." and the book What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks & Slush Nuggets.

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