In the Middle of the Mall

Not too long ago I tagged along with a friend to visit the Apple Store. I wanted to get a peek at the latest iPad model, which as we all know represents the future of human communication. The new one comes complete with Bluetooth, WiFi, 4G connectivity, a video camera, a GPS navigational system, and an ice cube maker.

When you’re in the Apple Store you can tell it’s the Future, because everything is really, really white - especially the people who work there, who have clearly not seen any sort of sunlight since the first Bush administration.

On the way to the Apple Store we had to pass through the Mall, where the Future happens to be located. I have not been in any sort of Mall for quite a few years, since I only buy clothes in odd-numbered decades, and then only from the Salvation Army Fashion Superstore, so I was in for a few surprises.

Apparently at some point since my last Mall visit, the people who decide how to best serve  the Mall-Visiting Public came to the conclusion that our overall shopping experience would be better if we just had tribes of Visigoth marauders posted at strategic locations throughout the central concourse and pillaging passing shoppers. These barbarian encampments are called “Kiosks.”

Kiosks are little islands of Crap-For-Sale, staffed by people who have too many teeth and not enough tattoos to work the Tilt-A-Whirl ride at the county fair. They are trained professionals, thoroughly coached in the latest and most sophisticated customer service techniques, such as grabbing your arm, twisting it behind your back, and delivering a smooth and persuasive sales pitch something like;

“Hey Sport! You can need getting some bling for on your cell phone! Have looks at swell covers what I got for you right over here!”

The variety of Crap-For-Sale available in these Kiosks is pretty impressive. In addition to cell phone bling, you can get your hair straightened by a guy holding a steel dildo heated to the temperature of molten lava. You can get your face “threaded,” which is a process in which an Indian woman (the kind with a dot on her forehead, not the kind with a Casino) rips unwanted hairs out of your skin, for some reason using a long piece of dental floss.

You can buy “Dippin’ Dots,” a special ice cream treat chilled to -70 degrees F, just cold enough to crack your teeth and flash-freeze your uvula, that little punching bag thing that hangs over the back of your tongue and lets you say words like, “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruffles.”

There is a guy selling little remote-controlled helicopters, which he demonstrates by performing intricate aerial manoeuvres, looping, soaring, and landing gently on the forehead of a woman in the next Kiosk over, who considers it a welcome distraction from getting hairs ripped out of her skin with dental floss. The salesman assures you that the helicopter is, “...real sturdy, like tank, so ain’t no way you can break it.”

The helicopter lasts exactly as long as it takes you to get it home to your living room, start it up, and let your child fly it to 3 feet of altitude, at which point it bursts into flames and crashes into your La-Z-Boy.

There is a flooring salesman who demonstrates his product by throwing you to the ground and kneeling on the back of your head, giving you an opportunity to closely examine his product until you sign the check and schedule the installation. Then there is the Jesus Kiosk, where you can sit with a true believer and pray for deliverance from the brutal tyranny of a President who wants health care for poor people.

After I got home from the Mall with my frostbitten uvula and extinguished the fire in my La-Z-Boy, I got to thinking about how I myself might be able to Make Millions in Mall Kiosk Marketing. After careful research on the Internet, enhanced by a 6-pack or so of Canadian research-enhancer, I made a list of ideas. Here are a few of the best ones I’ve come up with so far:

“Mainly Medical” - This would be a kiosk where you could get a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, and a creditcardectomy, all in the privacy and comfort of a folding lawn chair just outside the entrance to Banana Republic.

“Dr. Doug” - Similar in concept to Mainly Medical, where a guy in a trench coat performs a thorough breast exam and shoots your mammogram with his bling-enhanced cell phone camera.

“Proctology Plaza” - I’m pretty sure you get the idea by now.

“Tweezers Mania” - The Mall’s finest selection of Tweezers, Tweezers Caddies, and other Tweezers-related products. Maybe you could even bring in your personal Tweezers in from home and get them sharpened “While-U-Wait.”

“Weasel World” - All things weasel.

“Staple Station” - Not, as you might think, a place to serve a very special subset of your office supply needs, but the newest trend in Body Art. It’s just the thing for those young avant garde Mall-goers who find having their foreheads pop-riveted to their shin bones just too darned wimpy.

OK, so I’m sure I haven’t come close to exhausting the possibilities here. If you have a great idea for a new and better way to pillage Mall shoppers, send it to PillageMallShoppers@learnedsofar.com. The Visigoths are standing by.

Copyright © 2011, Michael Ball

Mike Ball is the Erma Bombeck Award-winning author of "What I've Learned So Far..." and the book What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks & Slush Nuggets.